On this very manly Cinco de Mayo, I made an appearance on the television show TMZ. Obviously, I haven’t watched the episode. Indulging in celebrity gossip is a major loss of Man Points.
Besides, this is Cinco de Mayo. By the time TMZ airs in LA, I’ll be too drunk to see.
From what others have told me, the TMZ staff called me a douchebag and made fun of my name. If this was 20 years ago, I’m sure they would have called me “gay” — and fifty years ago a “pinko”. Either way, it’s still a step up from Dr. Phil’s, “you’re shorter than me and you dress differently. Am I right studio audience?” so we’re making progress.
At least my mother escaped the edge of their rapist wit. Let’s not forget the big five:
“Dick, you’re wrong because…”
1. You never get laid!
2. You’re ugly!
3. Your mother!
4. You’re gay!
5. Your name is Dick!
I took the liberty of using the correct versions of “your” and “you’re” even though my naysayers rarely do.
I find it hard to believe that a news agency who culls half their stories from the den of prostitution, folly, and fashionable eating-disorders that is Women in Hollywood, disagrees with me.
Men are better than women at Hollywood.
As I cover in my book, only three of the top 100 highest grossing films of all time star women in the lead role. Women can’t direct movies for shit. Also, what would happen to cinema if men weren’t working the movie cameras? Every scene would have the actors’ heads cut off. Never let a woman take your vacation pictures.
Without Mel Gibson’s divine mantervention, Britney Spears probably would have killed herself by now.
I prefer to remember Harvey Levin from back when he was a color commentator on The People’s Court; trying to breathe life into an aging Wapner between commercials for debt consolidation and Oxy Clean.