What The Fuck Happened To Shirley?

December 19, 2007 – 11:59 am

As I watched the final episode of my tenure on Dr. Phil, I was struck by one burning question:

What the fuck happened to Shirley?

Apparently, others were struck by this too as my email box was quickly filled with the poorly punctuated rantings of inquiring minds.

What the fuck happened to Shirley?

At the end of episode three, you the television audience were teased with mention of a mystery dinner guest who was going to bring chaos and discord into the House of Judgment — possibly provoking one house member beyond the brink of womanly insanity. Then, in the start of episode three, we were given no such dinner guest, a new change of clothes, and a missing psychotic housemate with no mention or explanation. Even a woman could spot the missing piece of that story. Something fucking happened.

As I told the producers at the onset of the show, if some shrieking harpy who needs to lose 30 pounds before she attempts to bag another unfortunate man thinks she’s going to fuck with me, she’s got another thing coming. I’m a man and when I say I won’t be fucked with, you can bet on it. I figured it might come down to some kind of verbal trouncing or a sob fest on her part full of self-loathing and emotions that are too lame to have Disney dwarves named after them. No one gives a fuck about your feelings. However, it did not reach such a manly zenith.

Being all too human, I myself underestimated the raw power of unmitigated manliness that is The Penis.

The mystery house guest was a naked man. A witty, affable guy who happened to have a naked penis.

I have seen plenty of extreme reactions to the naked penis. Usually, I see them in the bedroom. And while shrieking does commonly follow, I have never seen a reaction so loud or one that ended in a woman leaving.

The Penis: 1
Women: 0

By Dick Masterson | Posted in dr phil | Comments (0)

Manpologies to the Man with the Mohito

November 13, 2007 – 4:33 pm

After watching episode two of the Dr. Phil “House of Judgement”, I feel as though I must offer my manpologies to the mystery man with the mohito who was misleadingly maligned in a montage of mentalist mug-shots.

Sir, never would I actually recommend that you date a woman like Shirley. In fact, I would never recommend to any man that they date a woman like Shirley. That woman has so much baggage, the inside of her head is a psychological Santa’s sleigh — and every box is full of shit. Unfortunately, Montgomery Brewster’s famous “none of the above” was not an option.

I’ll be writing a dating guide eventually, but here’s a snippet that should keep all you men safe from such human-disasters.

Q: Are you or have you ever been a model?

If the answer is “yes”, hit the pavement faster than she can hit you up to pay down her credit card bills.

For those of you playing at home, you may have noticed that our mutually selected “ideal matches”, as Dr Phil called them, rested entirely on two mitigating factors.

For her: Shirley needed someone to rely on, who could pay for the mistakes of past men, and who would represent her strong religious views to her family and peers. For a woman, image is of the utmost importance, and Shirley’s prejudices toward religion and against alcohol were never more prominent.

For him: I appreciate a big rack. The legs were entirely inconsequential.

By Dick Masterson | Posted in dr phil | Tagged , | Comments Off

Dick on Dr. Phil

November 8, 2007 – 8:50 am

When I was first asked to appear on the Dr. Phil show, I had one major concern. I had recently shaved my mustache and the short notice of the show gave me only a few days to grow another one.

Mission Accomplished.

For the record, I’m at least six feet tall; 6′2″ in man-inches. Dr. Phil just happens to be a giant in size — most likely due to the unceasing growth of his corporate empire. A word to the wise: if you’re going on the Dr. Phil program, wear platforms or stilts. The studio audience loves a good “short joke”.

Shortness is the only prejudice they are allowed.

While you, the viewing audience, did see me bring one bowling-pin-shaped, over-educated shrew to the brink of tears, the show cut one unfortunate, elderly woman who was already weeping before she began speaking. I made her “sad”. To that end, I must reiterate the following:

There are no women allowed on my website, and no women are allowed to buy my book. Condensed manliness is overwhelming to the female emotional palette. And I don’t like making old ladies cry.

What the show also cut was a brilliant narrative/documentary that was filmed a week prior. Myself and a camera crew caught a young woman flirting her way out of a speeding ticket. It’s a practice that we are all familiar with. It’s a practice that will continue forever because women are prostitutes — whether they put out or not.

Another elderly lady also told the six of us that we were the reason there’s a war going on in Iraq. Thankfully, that was cut. I think women looked bad enough as it was.

By Dick Masterson | Posted in dr phil | Tagged , | Comments (0)